i think that just like for romantic relationships, 'true' friendships have been romanticized (pun sort of intended) to take zero effort. but any relationship suffers if you don't put the work in, it's just that sometimes it quietly crumbles instead of exploding in your face
I could not agree more! It’s so funny how much effort and analysis we put into our romantic relationships, when in fact it’s more likely that our friendships will be the ones that last and they deserve the same level of conscious consideration and care!
I actually love this so much. I’ve only gotten closer with one of my best friends by going through these moments of ups and downs and genuinely recognising our actions and forgiving each other.
i think this is something people really shy away from discussing—no one wants to admit they have made a mistake. still, i think everyone needs to recognize that forgiveness is a normal part of friendship, and that it doesn’t mean the friendship itself has turned sour. thank you for being so honest!
Thank you so much for saying that mikenna, and I think you’re absolutely right. For a while I didn’t bring it up with Caroline bc I somehow felt that admitting out loud what I had done wrong would make it more real. But the offense was already there, and the only way to move on from it was to actually talk about it.
i totally agree—and i think the haste with which a lot of us are now more inclined to quickly cut someone off (well, at least talk about it in that same way some do “moving in silence”) and self-isolate rather than aim for mutual resolution isn’t helping.
from reading this i feel more than the forgiveness of your friend, you need forgiveness from yourself!! the way you describe your error as some sort of critical sin, or intrinsical flaw that needs acknowledgement, reparation and promise of never repeating for a chance at absolution is a lot!
the thing is, at the end of the day, something in you didn't want to be with her during that time, and that is ok. our humanities are limited and sometimes we can't be there for everybody. you cannot truly promise you will now be forever by her side. what if another tragedy occurs in her life and once again, you don't find it in you to be by her side? you may be busy with your life, or have had a tragedy occur to you, or just don't feel like for unconscious motives.
also, the way you are nurturing a deep sense of appreciation for her forving you, i feel it can distort the healthy equilibrium of a friendship. you feel you owe her too much, but from what you describe, you've supported her a lot too.
anyways, i dont know your friendship of course, but i did read this thinking you were being very hard on yourself. maybe even more that what that friend hoped you would be.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting Magdalena! I totally agree that once your friend forgives you, an important step is to forgive yourself, which I have done! However, I do think the only way to move forward in a friendship is with accountability.
This was beautiful, I am so happy that you and your friend have forged together even closer bonds 💜 So much relatable stuff in this essay, I think we’ve all experienced both sides of being hurt or hurting a friend. Difficult conversations are essential. One thing that I’ve really taken inspiration from after living in Germany for the past four years is developing a more direct communication style with friends. Germans are very direct with one another, and sometimes I was shocked to observe people so openly, as I perceived it - “calling each other out” on things. However, now I see it for what it is: constructive. You don’t let things fester - you address it as soon as you can and then it’s out of the way, and you can breathe again!
Yes exactly!! I love that you’ve learned something so constructive from another culture! I grew up in the south of the US, and there is not a lot of frank or direct communication, just a lot of “bless her hearts” haha. Luckily my parents have always modeled direct communication for me. Sometimes it can be jarring, but it’s usually what’s best for the relationship as long as it comes from a place of care and respect! Thank you so much for reading and commenting :) Really glad you enjoyed!
i knew one of my friendships was over once she didn’t bother to address our issues. i always did my best to check in with her but it was useless. every time she gave me the same answer, that everything was right, all the meanwhile putting distance between us. when i finally told her i didn’t want to keep going like this, she said she didn’t think it was worth to discuss because we were simply different and no one was in the wrong. i think she knows that wasn’t true. i had wronged her and she had wronged me, the difference was i would’ve done anything to fix it. when she was ready to take the steps it was too late for me. now that we don’t have to pretend to be friends i feel much more at peace and can understand her better. i get her, but i can’t forgive her. and that’s alright. it wasn’t meant to be.
Ugh I’m so sorry this happened stella, but I think the peace you feel now is the best indication that you made the right decision. Someone who isn’t willing to have hard conversations to preserve a friendship is not someone you want to be expending your time, energy, and love on, but it is so hard to let go!
I think this is so relevant to the moment—the mantra of "protect your peace" these days is useful, but can also mean protecting yourself from hard truths and the possibility of rejection. The place to be vulnerable and to apologize is in loving friendships!!
My best friend (if I'm still allowed to call her that) has been ghosting me (and just about everyone else she knows) since pre-COVID. I wish she'd tell everyone what's bothering her and what she needs. But like you essentially said, both people have to want to do the work.
Totally!! This is a huge part of it — you can apologize or grant forgiveness all you want, but if it’s not a two-way street then it won’t work. I am so sorry that’s happening with your friend. I often think friendships go through phases of distance and closeness, and I really hope this is just a phase and your friend comes back into your life :)
I enjoyed reading this and could relate to a lot of what you said. Sharing vulnerably is difficult but for me I’ve noticed sharing the story is like letting it go and moving on
Yes exactly Bree! You have to put something out there and talk about before you can move on from it :) Thank you so much for reading and commenting! So glad you enjoyed!
i went through this revelation abt a year ago—i was going through the loops with two friends (separate of each other) and was considering dropping them. it took genuine and productive conversation and understanding of both my and their perspectives and feelings. as someone who has distanced myself in friendships before, it was eye opening to consider something i hadn’t considered before: if the friendship and who they are as a person was worth fighting for. smthg beyond the scope of only my “side”. and thankfully, i had received apologies, and was able to give forgiveness. i think admitting to ones mistakes and taking accountability is a step most have difficulty doing in the first place. but having those genuine, defense-down, heart-to-heart conversations changed my pov on conflicts in friendships. my mother always says friends should bond, fight, and love hard—that’s how you truly live life!
Wow this made me tear up! You put it soooo well "genuine, defense-down, heart-to-heart" conversations -- they're so hard but so worth it! I'm so glad you were able to overcome challenges with your friends and come out stronger on the other side. Moms are always right haha! Thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful comment :)
i loved this, and i can relate to it – my best friend and i have been friends for over 10 years and we've had to forgive each other, watch one another grow, and love the new versions of ourselves over and over again. i feel like some lines should never be crossed, but i also hate today's narrative of cutting people off completely as soon as they disappoint you. human relationships need effort, forgiveness and understanding
thank you for sharing this. "having these hard conversations is a sign of care and love" will definitely stick with me <33
Exactly! I think where the "line" is totally depends on the person. I think Caroline would have been well within her right to say she couldn't move on from what I did, but I'm so glad she was able to forgive me and move past it. I totally agree that we're often too quick to give up on relationships. Everyone makes mistakes. I think when cutting someone off makes more sense is if they are exhibiting the same behavior without change or accountability, then you have to think about protecting yourself :) Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
i honestly cried because of how lucky you are to have a best friend. my best friend is my little sister. she's more mature than me in every way and i love her so much. at most, i know i'm passive with our friendship but reading this made me think about all those times i could've been a better friend to her. she's going through a really tough time right now and i don't know how to support her. all i know is my love for her.
Awww you're so lucky to have a younger sister that's your best friend!! My younger sister is my best friend too :) I think the best way to be a good friend when you're not sure what to do is just to check in frequently so the person knows you're thinking about them and care about them! My friend is going through some professional challenges, and even though I know literally nothing about her industry and can't help her with much practical advice, I've tried to be there for her just by checking in and I think that goes a long way! It's what I wish I had done with Caroline :)
i think that just like for romantic relationships, 'true' friendships have been romanticized (pun sort of intended) to take zero effort. but any relationship suffers if you don't put the work in, it's just that sometimes it quietly crumbles instead of exploding in your face
I could not agree more! It’s so funny how much effort and analysis we put into our romantic relationships, when in fact it’s more likely that our friendships will be the ones that last and they deserve the same level of conscious consideration and care!
I actually love this so much. I’ve only gotten closer with one of my best friends by going through these moments of ups and downs and genuinely recognising our actions and forgiving each other.
Thank you so much Sakina! It really does create a closeness once you have that confidence that you can get through hard moments together!
i think this is something people really shy away from discussing—no one wants to admit they have made a mistake. still, i think everyone needs to recognize that forgiveness is a normal part of friendship, and that it doesn’t mean the friendship itself has turned sour. thank you for being so honest!
Thank you so much for saying that mikenna, and I think you’re absolutely right. For a while I didn’t bring it up with Caroline bc I somehow felt that admitting out loud what I had done wrong would make it more real. But the offense was already there, and the only way to move on from it was to actually talk about it.
i totally agree—and i think the haste with which a lot of us are now more inclined to quickly cut someone off (well, at least talk about it in that same way some do “moving in silence”) and self-isolate rather than aim for mutual resolution isn’t helping.
Yes exactly! Most people deserve a second chance, or at least to be heard out.
so beautiful and so correct! long-term friendships go through so many stages and apologizing after wrongdoing means the world!
Exactlyyy!!
hey! tfs, so interesting
from reading this i feel more than the forgiveness of your friend, you need forgiveness from yourself!! the way you describe your error as some sort of critical sin, or intrinsical flaw that needs acknowledgement, reparation and promise of never repeating for a chance at absolution is a lot!
the thing is, at the end of the day, something in you didn't want to be with her during that time, and that is ok. our humanities are limited and sometimes we can't be there for everybody. you cannot truly promise you will now be forever by her side. what if another tragedy occurs in her life and once again, you don't find it in you to be by her side? you may be busy with your life, or have had a tragedy occur to you, or just don't feel like for unconscious motives.
also, the way you are nurturing a deep sense of appreciation for her forving you, i feel it can distort the healthy equilibrium of a friendship. you feel you owe her too much, but from what you describe, you've supported her a lot too.
anyways, i dont know your friendship of course, but i did read this thinking you were being very hard on yourself. maybe even more that what that friend hoped you would be.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting Magdalena! I totally agree that once your friend forgives you, an important step is to forgive yourself, which I have done! However, I do think the only way to move forward in a friendship is with accountability.
This was moving and so beautifully written <3
Thank you so much Jessica!! I am so glad it resonated with you :)
This was beautiful, I am so happy that you and your friend have forged together even closer bonds 💜 So much relatable stuff in this essay, I think we’ve all experienced both sides of being hurt or hurting a friend. Difficult conversations are essential. One thing that I’ve really taken inspiration from after living in Germany for the past four years is developing a more direct communication style with friends. Germans are very direct with one another, and sometimes I was shocked to observe people so openly, as I perceived it - “calling each other out” on things. However, now I see it for what it is: constructive. You don’t let things fester - you address it as soon as you can and then it’s out of the way, and you can breathe again!
Yes exactly!! I love that you’ve learned something so constructive from another culture! I grew up in the south of the US, and there is not a lot of frank or direct communication, just a lot of “bless her hearts” haha. Luckily my parents have always modeled direct communication for me. Sometimes it can be jarring, but it’s usually what’s best for the relationship as long as it comes from a place of care and respect! Thank you so much for reading and commenting :) Really glad you enjoyed!
i knew one of my friendships was over once she didn’t bother to address our issues. i always did my best to check in with her but it was useless. every time she gave me the same answer, that everything was right, all the meanwhile putting distance between us. when i finally told her i didn’t want to keep going like this, she said she didn’t think it was worth to discuss because we were simply different and no one was in the wrong. i think she knows that wasn’t true. i had wronged her and she had wronged me, the difference was i would’ve done anything to fix it. when she was ready to take the steps it was too late for me. now that we don’t have to pretend to be friends i feel much more at peace and can understand her better. i get her, but i can’t forgive her. and that’s alright. it wasn’t meant to be.
Ugh I’m so sorry this happened stella, but I think the peace you feel now is the best indication that you made the right decision. Someone who isn’t willing to have hard conversations to preserve a friendship is not someone you want to be expending your time, energy, and love on, but it is so hard to let go!
I love this so much! So moved by your story
Awww thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
This warmed my heart.
Would you recommend the new White Lotus? I haven't bit the bullet yet...
YES! I am loving it. Season finale tomorrow I think!
I think this is so relevant to the moment—the mantra of "protect your peace" these days is useful, but can also mean protecting yourself from hard truths and the possibility of rejection. The place to be vulnerable and to apologize is in loving friendships!!
I couldn’t agree more Elle! Preserving loving friendships is usually worth sacrificing your peace for a minute :) Thank you so much for reading!
Navigating hard conversations is a skillset.
My best friend (if I'm still allowed to call her that) has been ghosting me (and just about everyone else she knows) since pre-COVID. I wish she'd tell everyone what's bothering her and what she needs. But like you essentially said, both people have to want to do the work.
Totally!! This is a huge part of it — you can apologize or grant forgiveness all you want, but if it’s not a two-way street then it won’t work. I am so sorry that’s happening with your friend. I often think friendships go through phases of distance and closeness, and I really hope this is just a phase and your friend comes back into your life :)
I enjoyed reading this and could relate to a lot of what you said. Sharing vulnerably is difficult but for me I’ve noticed sharing the story is like letting it go and moving on
Yes exactly Bree! You have to put something out there and talk about before you can move on from it :) Thank you so much for reading and commenting! So glad you enjoyed!
i went through this revelation abt a year ago—i was going through the loops with two friends (separate of each other) and was considering dropping them. it took genuine and productive conversation and understanding of both my and their perspectives and feelings. as someone who has distanced myself in friendships before, it was eye opening to consider something i hadn’t considered before: if the friendship and who they are as a person was worth fighting for. smthg beyond the scope of only my “side”. and thankfully, i had received apologies, and was able to give forgiveness. i think admitting to ones mistakes and taking accountability is a step most have difficulty doing in the first place. but having those genuine, defense-down, heart-to-heart conversations changed my pov on conflicts in friendships. my mother always says friends should bond, fight, and love hard—that’s how you truly live life!
Wow this made me tear up! You put it soooo well "genuine, defense-down, heart-to-heart" conversations -- they're so hard but so worth it! I'm so glad you were able to overcome challenges with your friends and come out stronger on the other side. Moms are always right haha! Thank you so much for reading and for your thoughtful comment :)
i loved this, and i can relate to it – my best friend and i have been friends for over 10 years and we've had to forgive each other, watch one another grow, and love the new versions of ourselves over and over again. i feel like some lines should never be crossed, but i also hate today's narrative of cutting people off completely as soon as they disappoint you. human relationships need effort, forgiveness and understanding
thank you for sharing this. "having these hard conversations is a sign of care and love" will definitely stick with me <33
Exactly! I think where the "line" is totally depends on the person. I think Caroline would have been well within her right to say she couldn't move on from what I did, but I'm so glad she was able to forgive me and move past it. I totally agree that we're often too quick to give up on relationships. Everyone makes mistakes. I think when cutting someone off makes more sense is if they are exhibiting the same behavior without change or accountability, then you have to think about protecting yourself :) Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!
i honestly cried because of how lucky you are to have a best friend. my best friend is my little sister. she's more mature than me in every way and i love her so much. at most, i know i'm passive with our friendship but reading this made me think about all those times i could've been a better friend to her. she's going through a really tough time right now and i don't know how to support her. all i know is my love for her.
Awww you're so lucky to have a younger sister that's your best friend!! My younger sister is my best friend too :) I think the best way to be a good friend when you're not sure what to do is just to check in frequently so the person knows you're thinking about them and care about them! My friend is going through some professional challenges, and even though I know literally nothing about her industry and can't help her with much practical advice, I've tried to be there for her just by checking in and I think that goes a long way! It's what I wish I had done with Caroline :)
i love that! the simple act of checking in