September Diaries: This is Hard for Me to Say

I need a sign

I like to write about what I know. What can I say? I really took that old, writing adage to heart. That’s why these diaries are the hardest thing I write every month.

It’s counterintuitive, because they’re off-the-cuff—less polished, researched, or edited than any of my other writing on here—but I really struggle with them. This is because I like to have an answer already when I write to you. I like to be able to recount something I have experienced, fully digested, and developed a clear opinion on. I like to write about things that are done and dusted—distant. It’s so much harder for me to write about emotions in progress, feelings I haven’t fully figured out yet, problems I don’t have a clear solution for yet. But I’m going to try.

I wrote on Notes a few weeks ago that my confidence as a writer has always gone through peaks and valleys since I started writing seriously (read: daily) almost six years ago. And, right now, I’m very much in a valley. Wandering through this valley, there’s one thought that haunts me: I don’t know if I’ll ever make it as a writer.

People will throw platitudes your way. “As long as you’re writing, you’re a writer” or “If you just keep going, you’ll make it” etc. etc. And many of these platitudes are shared because they have kernels of truth in them. But my truth is that when I say I want to be writer, I don’t mean I just want to write every day. That isn’t enough for me. Maybe that makes me less of a purist, less of an artist. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I want my novel to be published, I want people to read my writing and enjoy it, and I want to make money from my writing. If I can’t achieve these three things, then I won’t feel that I’ve succeeded as a writer. And, the fact is, there is no guarantee that these things will happen. And not knowing whether they will is so hard. Not knowing and still showing up every day to write is even harder.

This is a difficulty that’s always there for every “emerging” writer. Sometimes this fear of the unknown is diminished by encouraging signs, proof points that you are headed in the right direction, that you might have a shot—things like publications, gaining subscribers on Substack, or winning awards. But right now, I’m feeling like I’ve been driving for hours and around every turn, there’s still no sign. My ass is cramping, I have to pee, the car’s running low on gas, and still all I can see is just miles and miles of more highway—no sign in sight.

Publication rejections for my short stories stack up in my inbox. I’m still months away from querying my novel, and all I can think is, “What if I get no representation requests just like my last novel?” And on top of that, my Substack is flopping so hard, I can’t really process what’s going on—every engagement metric is down and my subscriber count looks like it’s been frozen by Medusa herself. I feel like I’m doing everything right, but none of it seems to make a difference.

I know, I know, everyone says to ignore the numbers, don’t focus on external validation, just focus on the writing. But I live in the world, not fairy dream land. And in the world, people have to read your writing and like it for you to make it as a writer.

I don’t have a conclusion. I don’t have a takeaway. I just have these feelings. Frustration. Fear. Sometimes anger.

So I keep writing, and I hope that around the next corner is a sign. I could really use one right now. If you’re feeling the same, let’s chat in the comments. I don’t have any advice other than keep going, you’re not alone, and it’s okay to admit this sucks.

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And now, as with every monthly diary, I’ll include what I’m reading, writing, wearing, watching, and eating this month. I hope you enjoy:

The painted edges on Katabasis are too good! It says, “Hell is other people.”

READING

Katabasis by R.F. Kuang!!! If you are on the fence about whether to read this book, get off the fence, run to your local bookstore, and buy it! I was dying to read this book, because it’s about a graduate student in her final year of grad school trying to complete her thesis, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. But, of course, I won’t have to travel to hell like Alice to rescue my thesis advisor (hopefully). This book is so well-written and engaging, and its exploration of various literary and philosophical ideas makes you feel smarter without bogging down the fast-paced, entertaining narrative. Can’t recommend it enough. I’m hoping to start Babel today. I want to read everything R.F. Kuang has ever written!

my writing desk :)

WRITING

See above, lol. I’m writing Substack pieces. I am in a fiction workshop, so I’m writing short stories for that. And I’m working on the third draft of my novel, which is also my thesis.

One of the best insults. Imagine being told you have “high body count hair.”

WATCHING

If you’re not watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, honestly what are you doing?? Before you roll your eyes, let me tell you a story. I had never watched a Real Housewives franchise before, but my professor (who is brilliant and I respect very much) mentioned how great RHSLC was, and I thought, “Wow, if someone as smart as her enjoys it, then maybe I should check it out.” Cut to me, in bed for basically a whole weekend, binging four straight seasons. This is hands-down the most unhinged, entertaining reality show I’ve ever watched. I’ve since dipped my toes into other housewife franchises like New York City and Beverly Hills, and while they’re good, they’re nowhere near as good as Salt Lake City. Seriously, watch it, you won’t regret it. And if you’re already watching, let’s discuss the first two episodes of season five in the comments PLEASE. I am loving that Bronwyn is going toe to toe with Lisa. It’s about time someone stood up to her.

The Sandy Liang dress! It’s so good.

WEARING

My newest obsession is Sandy Liang. I am currently interested in trying to find American designers I love to avoid tariffs, and Sandy Liang is top of the list. I tried on this backless black dress in the store a few weeks and have been thinking about it ever since. I try to only purchase one or two things a month, but I think this black dress and the pearl heels might have to come home with me in October.

The FAMOUS Caroline Beuley Vodka Pasta. It’s even better than Gigi Hadid’s, I swear.

EATING

My favorite food in the world is vodka pasta, so I have worked for years to perfect my own recipe. And now, because I love you guys, I’m going to share it here. It’s so easy and so so delicious. Start by putting a heaping teaspoon of minced garlic, four tablespoons of butter, and an entire diced sweet onion in the pan. Cook the onions until they're browned. Then dump a heaping teaspoon of red pepper flakes and almost one whole can of tomato paste into the pan. Stir it all around and reduce with a cup of red wine or vodka. I usually use red wine bc I never have vodka in the house. Let that bubble and combine for a few minutes, then add a cup of shredded parmesan and a cup of heavy cream. Let it bubble a few more minutes, dump in a whole container of bucatini, and voila! You’re done! I like to add some basil at the end too.

Alice, my creepy little angel baby

LOVING

Come at me all you want, but I got a Blythe doll this month from blyethealot on Instagram and I’m freaking obsessed with her. Her name is Alice, and I can’t wait to buy her some cute clothes from Etsy the next time I decide to be financially irresponsible. If you’ve been thinking about buying a Blythe doll, I really recommend following blythealot. She makes really beautiful dolls that are much more affordable than a lot of the crazy prices I see on Instagram. I mean, seriously, look at her! How perfect is she? I like to keep her on my writing desk so her creepy eyes stare me down while I work.

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Thanks for reading this September Diary! If you’d like to read past month’s diaries, you can head to the diary section on my site. And stay tuned for my October Diary which will be all about my wedding and honeymoon!!! AHH!!